Ya'll Need Jesus
by YungVodkaDikost
Summary: Sasori loved his wife, but sometimes he really questioned her sanity. He didn't know what to think when he woke up in the middle of the night to find her hunched over in the pantry, stuffing her face with Dango. Beware the black haired weasel! *Complete*


**I was bored so this little guy came to be. My writers block is still kicking my ass but I was hoping that this would help inspire some damn inspiration. Yeah, it didn't help a whole lot. But oh well, what do you do?**

 **Anyway!**

 **I do not own Naruto or its characters, just the plot to this insanity.**

 **Please leave a review, follow, and favorite if you enjoyed.**

 **S Lyubov'yu,**

 **Casper**

* * *

Sasori truly loved his wife, he really, really did. He really fucking loved her with every ounce that his previously nonexistent heart could possibly produce. But the day that he found his loving wife huddled in the corner of the pantry in the bases kitchen, shoving dango down her throat at rapid speeds made him question her sanity. And her blood sugar levels. And her sanity. Yeah. mostly her fucking sanity. It was at times like this that he kind of questioned his reasoning as to why he thought getting married was a smart idea. Not that he would ever mention such a thought to his wife, she would probably kill him. Or her brother, Deidara, would probably find a way to make him implode without him realizing what the blond moron was doing.

Anyway.

Moving on.

"Uh, doll, what the hell are you doing?"

"Just the fuck up, you idiot!", she hissed after swallowing a mouthful of Dango. She stood up and slowly made her way towards to entrance of the pantry and promptly shoved her husband out of the way before slamming the door in his face and resuming her binge eating. Sasori stared at the door in front of him with a small amount of amusement at her actions but broke out of his musings when he heard a bag of candy being opened.

"Uh, Sakura?"

"What?"

"Care to explain what the hell you're doing in the pantry in the middle of the night?", he cringed.

Sakura let out an annoyed sigh before cracking the door open a little so her husband could see her,"It's Itachi. When it's just him and I he wants all the snacks and doesn't share. I figured that if I eat all the Dango and candy while he's sleeping, I don't have to worry about him not saving any for me."

"He eats you Dango.", Sasori nodded. He understood that his wife and Itachi had a love for Dango, but this was going along the lines of boarder line insane and just plain stupid. Not that he was about to say that out loud. He may not be a patient man but Sasori liked his limbs where they were, thank you very much.

"A grown ass man eats your Dango so you wake up in the middle of the night, hide in the pantry like some kind of lunatic, and gorge yourself on Dango and candy."

"Don't judge me, puppet boy.", she muttered. Her husband wasn't even surprised when he saw her hand come up and shove another piece of Dango into her mouth.

"Why are you eating in the dark?"

"If the light is on, that black haired bastard will know I'm in here."

"He's sleeping."

"A light sleeper"

"Do I even want to know how often you do this?"

"Once a week, usually. But I was busy healing Kisame earlier so I wasn't able to this until now", she shrugged, popping another piece of Dango into her mouth.

"In the pantry."

"Yep."

"In the dark pantry."

"Correct."

Sasori sighed before prying the pantry door the rest of the way open,"Doll, everybody is in bed. I think it's safe for you to eat in the common area. Or anywhere that isn't the damned pantry."

"Nothing is safe with that black haired weasel around.", she hissed. Sasori was pretty sure the love of his life had finally gone off the deep end and gone completely insane.

"What the else do you do in here when nobody is around.", he groaned. Even though the door to the pantry was open, she didn't exit. No, she backed up a few stepsw and continued to gorge herself on sugar.

"I ate sushi in here yesterday for lunch."

"Why did you eat sushi for lunch in here yesterday when we have a perfectly good dining table?", he sighed, he wasn't even sure he wanted to answer to this question. But oh well, no going back now.

"I didn't want to offend Kisame."

"Why the hell would eating sushi offend him?!"

"He's a fish, dipshit. I was eating his brothers and sisters."

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"I'm the medic of Akatsuki. There's a lot wrong with me. Tobi dropped a cracker on the floor yesterday and I ate it. It had to be mine."

Sasori just nodded and made his way out of the pantry, closing the door after him. Sealing his wife in there with her Dango and sweets.

"I don't even know what the hell to say to that.", he muttered before making his way back to he and Sakura's shared bedroom. The minute his bedroom door closed he heard a crash in the kitchen. He poked his head out of the door and listened.

"Back away from my Dango, you vile woman!", Itachi cried.

"Back the fuck up, bro! This is my Dango!"

Sasori shook his head as their argument began to get louder. He shut the door to his room and crawled back into bed.

There was no way he was going to try to break up those two while they argued.

Never again.

* * *

The next morning when Sasori awoke, he felt the other side of his bed only to find it empty. He swore that if his wife had spent the night in the pantry he was going to kill her. Not really, she'd probably dismember him. But still. He made his way out of his bed and towards the kitchen. When he opened the pantry door, he was greeted with a sight most unholy.

Sakura and Itachi, passed out on the floor of the pantry. Both covered head to toe in Dango and other various treats. He let out a sigh and jumped a little when he heard a voice behind him.

"Those motherfuckers need Jesus.", Kisame said, his eye twitching.

"Agreed", Sasori sighed before closing the pantry door.

It was too early to deal with this form of fuckery.

* * *

 **What the hell made me want to write this is still beyond me. Oh well.**

 **Again, if you enjoyed, please leave me a review, favorite, and follow.**

 **Until next time!**


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